Long Miles to Home

The drive home today was a blur. 

I had managed to get to the elevator at work and into the bathroom before I started sobbing. The theme was the same as it always is: I miss Phil. 

My life feels hopeless, meaningless, and genuinely finished without him in it. Work happens and ends. I sleep or I don't. I eat or I don't. I see friends or I don't. That is my life after him. I miss what we used to do as a couple. I eat meals alone with only the television for company most of the time. My mind imagines jokes or silly ideas that he would have understood, but no one is interested in hearing. He cannot call or text me from the Afterlife, you know? I am truly miserable without him.

I am so tired of fighting with people who do not understand what it feels like to lose someone as I have lost Phil. They act like it is so easy to just "get over it" or to move forward. Meanwhile, I am pretty sure I will never love anyone again. There is a big hole in my soul and no one lives there anymore. I am so tired of any number of things. 

I think about suicide often. 

How easy would it be to find a method and then execute it? No one much calls or sees me on a day-to-day basis. I am alone much more often than I am in anyone's company. It would take people a few days to even notice I'd gone missing. I am no one important. Look at how often I have reached for a friend in the middle of the night and found no one available. 

It would be easy.

The world, then, could laugh at me. I would be another statistic. Another coward who couldn't handle life and found a way to die.At least my pain would be over then. I wouldn't have to hurt because Phil is never home when I return to our house. I wouldn't have to have dinner alone.

It would be too easy.